Sexthings…

I found this on HelloGiggles and thought of sharing since it touches a very sensitive fiber in my heart.

When I see things like this, I always feel a close-minded society tries to say “Hey, we told you not to express yourself sexually, see what happens when you do? It’s all your fault!” when the real damage is not caused by the actual sex implied, but the people turning it into something to be ashamed of.

Loving to see this perspective reflected here. I always think the whole “don’t take naked pictures of yourself, don’t make a home porn video” premise is incorrectly addressed.

Instead of bashing someone for capturing an intimate moment on camera, trying to live a healthy sex life by expressing their desires and sharing their fantasies with their lovers, people should bash the ones who maliciously inflict damage.

This whole “Naked on film” (any film) is something that makes me feel really upset, as I’ve done some art modeling in the past and even though I am in no way ashamed of it, it’s something that bit me in the ass about a year ago when it reached my family and I (sadly) discovered they didn’t share my views on it and even tried to guilt-trip me into feeling ashamed of myself, my actions and my sexuality. I am not, but I had a hard time dealing and coping.

I get really mad when I hear about Kim Kardashian, Paris Hilton, Wena Naty (sorry but I’m not really up for googling her real name) and other girls going through the same experience. Why is people always saying “Oh, they shouldn’t have done it?!” when they are not the ones inflicting any damage? People should really think about who and what is the real bad in these scenarios, instead of simply making the girls the guilty ones cause they had sex and took record of it. That is the very definition of Slut-shaming, and it’s a sad, judgemental and unfair double-standard society loves to play.

When something like this happens to you, you are the victim, you are the one whose trust has been betrayed, yet you have to stand up and take the blame everyone’s putting on you. Not cool.

Don’t get me wrong, I am not saying “Go, send pictures of yourself to your boyfriend cause that is the healthy thing to do in a relationship. Trust no matter what!” . Don’t. Be judicious about it, if you are sure it’s something you want to do and you feel can trust the recipient, go ahead and rock it with confidence, but as I said: use your judgement.

But remember, nothing is fail-proof and it may come back and hurt you, but if it does, take it easy, don’t forget one simple action does not define you as a person, don’t go too hard on yourself, cause you’re the one whose confidence was betrayed, I promise eventually it all will go away.

This is kind of the unpopular opinion, yet, my two cents.

Downhill

It’s 5:50 in the morning, and I can’t sleep. I have this horrible migraine, this hell of a throat ache (Did I tell you it wasn’t the flu, but Laryngitis?) slight fever, oh! and the hiccups.

I am drinking tea, since tea is the new coffee. About 10 minutes ago, while I was preparing it, I realized it became hipster somehow. But anyways, I’ve always liked tea, even before it was cool to drink it (See? I can be hipster too) I like it strong with lots of sugar, and I prefer to drink it at home, not in social gatherings, coffee is for making a good impression on others. Unless it’s Chai tea, but that’s a whole other story.

Last year my boyfriend gifted me with a bag of herbs and stuff to prepare Chai tea at home. I rarely drink it because it’s too special and I save it for equally special moments, like when I’m alone and once with him.

I just heard about 4 Buffy the Vampire Slayer episodes while I was hiding under the bed, thinking it may help me sleep (not at all). I missed Buffy like hell, now that was a good show. It bring me memories from when I was in junior high and first getting into all that wicca stuff (yes, I’m a practicer and I’ve been for about 12 years, do your homework kids), and Willow was just so fantastic and so misleading. I adored her, she was obviously my favorite character.

I’m starting to give up hope on sleeping right now, even though the tea is working wonders on my headache, I still feel all shaky and kind of depressed to be honest. I have so much to do, and I’ve been hating to stay in front of the computer for long periods of time. My head and my eyes just can’t stand it.

Lately, the magic and wonders of this self-imposed exile I’ve been going through has been rubbing off a bit, yet I don’t feel good enough to face the world. I just want to go low profile for a while more. I need to think about a lot of things. Fernando has been such a great support ever since this whole thing started, I couldn’t possibly ask for a more perfect boyfriend. He makes me swoon, literally. I think I’ll take a couple of more weeks and then I’ll go back to the world.

To be really honest with you, I feel so full of memories, I can’t stand them. Some how I feel the same sadness and abandonment I felt about 10 years ago when I was living in Ciudad Juarez. I can’t make it right, and I need to wash it off, but first I need to finish my laryngitis meds, cause all of these are side effects from them. Gosh, I wish I could at least prevent the tummy ache that kills me about 20 minutes after I have them.

But anyway, I’m going to go give dreams a try again, we’ll see how it works, who knows, I may fall asleep.

Your abnormally pessimist,

The dreams

Last night I had a very weird dream, I can recall it completely, specially towards the end when it all started becoming one hell of a nightmare.

I’m not very keen on the idea of writing dreams online, I think dreams should remain privately out of blogs, cause all the appeal of blog reading to me lies on the voyeuristic idea of taking a peek into someone’s life, and even though dreams are part of everyone’s life, they do not satisfy the voyeur in me. Following this principle, I had tried to avoid writing about my dreams online, I won’t say I’m not guilty of this, I had written about my dreams about two or three times in the past 8 years (Yes, I’ve been blogging for over 8 years) but every time I’ve done it, it’s been just about a couple of sentences or a small paragraph regardless of how intense/strange/emotional the dream was.

This time, won’t be the exception. I feel like I really need to share/Vent over this particular dream.

I can’t really remember how my dream started, all I remember is me being at home, a weird home, not really my home, but I place I called home there, and my boyfriend coming over and telling me how we really, really must get married ASAP, he even took me to a weird-looking church underground, where I was treated like an hindu bride by faceless women, and then taken to the altar to him. There we were alone, none else was on that church and we started talking, which in my dream meant we were getting married. At this point, my friends, I am afraid, scared to hell actually, I am sure I don’t want to do that, I am sure I don’t what to get married at that point, not yet, I’m just not ready to go that way, and no matter what are the consequences, I have to let him know I love him, but can’t go through that yet, and I tell him. He says he understands, but seems sad, and then everything starts to crumble, everything starts to fall down, the church, the floor, everything, and when I notice I’ve lost him. He’s gone. I wake up.

I slept again after that, but my dreams were all hectic like a post-war sci-fi movie, and it was not really related.

I am a believer of dream meanings, not in the traditional “let’s look for ‘wedding’ in the dream-dictionary and see what will happen in the future” but more like an understanding of what is going on with my mind, my heart, fears, worries and everything, and based on all of this, this dream in particular really scares me. It’s not about the marriage thing, or maybe it is, I’m not sure. A couple of years ago, I felt I was more than ready to get it on, and was even engaged for a while, then it all ended and my whole perspective of marriage changed, I hadn’t considered it for years,even at this point, when I am more than happy about my relationship, my idea of ever getting married changes often and from one day to the other.

Yet… lately I’ve been under a lot of pressure about not living up to what is expected of me. I try not to think about it, but the fact that I am 25 yrs. old, had not finish my career (none of them), and that my generation is getting married, having kids, emancipating, enrolling in stable jobs and buying houses, while I try to get my way into freelancing, still rely on my family, I just engage myself in 5 more years of school, and even my mom’s been asking me when is she going to get a baby grand-kid. It’s really stressful.

I hate to complain about my life. In general, I adore my life, I am in this magnificent relationship in which I had not even had a single fight in one and a half years of us being together, we’re on the right track. I’m working my ass off in school, started my own business, and have been working on many projects that fill me with passion and joy. I am happy. Yet, I wonder. Am I accomplishing all this thing that make me so proud a little too late? Am I so in the right track as I think? Should I be getting married and having kids? Finding a stable job and forgetting my self-employment  dreams? Should I start to embrace that kind of life I despite so much? I say no.

I think my dream reflects this concern of mine. I am right now living a life I love, and I want to believe everything I want is possible, it’s not really that I don’ want to have all those ‘grown up stuff’, I want some of that, I can see the bliss of stability, I just don’t want it right now, but I guess, now that so much people around me is doing what is expected of them and fitting in the stereotype, I better get use to feeling like an outcast for trying to live the dream. And I better get a good ‘comeback’ for when people asks why am I being such an immature weirdo.

Amino Love and Acid Kisses

I Rant

I am on an ‘End of the year’ depression. I am saaad. Really sad, as in ‘can’t get off my bed’ sad. I think it has something to do with Mercury Retrograde, and I’m just having communication channels blocked in a way that it’s making me feel MIIIIISERABLE.

I may get better of worse on Wednesday, who knows? See you in a couple of days.

bye…

Bottle Caps

I have about 5000 of them and I need about 1500 more… Yes, I know…

These have been my days…

ATM I feel mad as hell, I feel upset and underestimated. So I better leave…